The Hammer

The Hammer, Vol. IX

Let's all set our spring hype clocks forward one hour
March 16, 2022 at 5:45 a.m.

Executive Editor

It's Not Spring, But We Can See it From Here: And we know because — thank the gods — the annoying annual ritual of Major-League-Baseball-marketing-run-amok has begun. Leading the pack as usual, Your Seattle Mariners, who busted out of the post-lockout gate with a remarkably stupid social media slogan. Wait for it ... #SeaUsRise!

You Read that Correctly: Only an establishment with a storied multi-decade history of failure could pay good money to a PR firm for a spring slogan that evokes the warm/fuzzy feel of ... slow death by global warming. 

On the Other Hand: The runner-up slogan, #WatchUsSink!, had already been used 44 times. 

Speaking of “Huh?”: Our good friends at The Seattle Times, with which I was once quite familiar, bombarded readers last week with a treatise asking the enduring, existential Pacific Northwest question: “Why are there so few roller coasters in the Pacific Northwest?

Seriously, They Did: Who wants to tell them about A) the persistent sideways rain and B) the persistent clammy cold and C) all of the above?

Also, Let's Face It: We do retain some shred of regional dignity up here in Outer Mossland. Some things are simply best left to California, Florida and Texas.

Not to Be Outdone, Though: We at CDN admit to being very intrigued by this exhaustive take and are prepared to announce shortly that our long, long, long-range plans now include our own “theme park and travel writer.”

Which Reminds Us of a Couple of Reminders: All the Ferndale Intalco smelter needs to resume operations, amidst rising energy costs, is a charity-level energy deal with the Bonneville Power Administration, or some reasonable facsimile. And all the Port of Bellingham needs is another 300 annual days of sunshine and a couple billion dollars to turn the empty waterfront parcel into Six Flags Over the Toxic Sludge Basin.

Possible Slogan for Above Project: #SeaUsDither!

Don't Forget the “Other” March Madness: How cool is it to see the under-appreciated Western Vikings women's hoop squad, led by rock-solid veteran coach Carmen Dolfo and a group of locally produced players, make a run into the Elite Eight of the Division II basketball tournament? Answer: Very. The current pride of Bellingham plays Monday down in Birmingham.

Worth Noting: This team is a long way from the fine-dining Gonzagas and Dukes of the world when it comes to accouterments. Western players celebrated their West Region Final victory Monday night at an In-N-Out Burger.

Line of the Week: From our government reporter, Ralph Schwartz, ably profiling the first legislative session of young State Sen. Simon Sefzik: “When he first pulled into a Capitol parking lot to begin his new role, Sefzik had to convince a security guard he was a senator and not a college intern.”

And Finally: Quite the tale in CDN's pages today on Whatcom Transportation Authority's remarkable windfall of federal pandemic relief money. Watch this space for future ideas on how to store and/or spend all that cash, including the very real possibility that by 2032 we'll be the only place in America where every resident can ride to work on their own personal electric bus. 

The Hammer is swung on Wednesdays and updated as needed.

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