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The Hammer, Vol. LVII

Raccoon dogs and Bearcats — Oh my!

By Ron Judd Executive Editor

Dog-Gone It, International Version: Due to recent scurrilous news reports about COVID-19’s possible origins in Wuhan, China, The Hammer sadly announces the suspension of an ongoing process to foster a matched set of displaced raccoon dogs.

Yes, It’s True: There are significant Pandemic-Support-Animal issues related to this. But more on that later. 

Look, Outside! The Days, they’re getting longer after all. Thought it was never going to happen this time around. Brings to mind the entire, extremely tired debate over which time standard the nation should shift to. To which the Hammer says: Don’t get me started. 

News From Down-Under (the Jail): Sheriff Bill Elfo, a local fixture for decades, decides to hang up the ol’ badge, setting up an interesting election between (so far) candidates Donnell “Tank” Tanksley, the chief in Blaine, and Doug Chadwick, undersheriff and would-be heir apparent from within the organization. 

Everyone Knows What That Means: We are one-fringe-candidate-filing-and-announcing-plans-to form-a new-constitutional,-Van Zandt-centered-republic short of a pending election. 

Raise Your Hand Now: If you find election of top law enforcement officials — and other skilled jobs such as medical examiners — to be an Old West throwback worthy of reexamination. 

Speaking of the Police: It is always with some amusement with which we at CDN note, with some regularity, the presence of “the Bearcat” at local crime scenes — a notation oft made by local cops as if the public really knows what that is.

Truth Be Told: The Bearcat is an armored vehicle, usually rolled out in a shots-fired situation, that protects police from gunfire. Any image of a Tasmanian-wombat-type police attack animal straining at the end of a leash to go after bad dudes is purely unintentional. 

Democracy Dies in … The Palouse? From The Washington Post: “Why Americans should eat lentils every day.” No. Just no. 

They Then Go On: “Today, the lentil is again on the front lines. This time, against climate change. While start-ups scramble to engineer a sustainable protein, from lab-grown meat to fake burgers, lentils are a ready solution, one with a proven record.” Um … Go lentils?

Speaking of Lands Down Under: Seattle, already identified as the “saddest” metropolitan area in the U.S. in a recent survey, also qualifies as “most anxious.” Sources of residents’ stress included crime, housing prices and incessant questions about their feelings by extremely nosey survey monkeys. 

One More on That: One would have expected Seattle’s general municipal angst level to drop significantly when The Hammer, accurately predicting more traffic and higher prices, moved out in 2001. B.H. can be blamed for many things, but failure to perform a final Seattle civic duty is not among them.  

The Hammer swings on Wednesdays, online Thursdays. Quoting Steve Earle: “One of these days we’re gonna lay that hammer down.” But not yet. 

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