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Don’t look now, the Earth may be swallowing us whole

Bonus clickbait: Fond S2S memories!

By Ron Judd Executive Editor

Fifty, With a Bang: Another successful Ski to Sea in the books. Hope everyone has worked out all the attendant “issues.” Guessing the week following the ‘Ham’s biggest event is a giant rubapalooza for area massage therapists.Congrats to all who survived.

Question From a (Nosey) Reader: Did B. Hammer participate?

Answer: But of course.

Followup: How, Exactly? 

Answer: He took many photographs and inadequate videos and offered heartfelt emotional support to contestants — his undeniable highest/best use established, following a subpar mountain-bike-leg performance in the race a decade ago. (The shouts of “On your left!” still haunt his brain.)

Big Thanks to All: Who visited the CDN booth, covered by a wind-battered canopy now known as Big (Flimsy) Red, to say hey to our staffers and pick up some CDN stickers, magnets, totes, watchdog bandanas and other merch. Truly great to be in the mix. 

Meanwhile, Beneath Your Feet: Mom was right in instructing young Hammer to not get too far out in front of his skis because “you can’t fall off the floor.” But apparently said floor can in fact fall out from under you. According to the Washington Post (motto: “Democracy Dies via Plate Tectonics”) ground surfaces across much of the planet — including our own little, Tim-Hortonless neck o’ the woods — are literally sinking beneath our feet.

To Be Clear: This is a slooow process, probably not noticed by most. But raise your hand if you’ve ever sat and gandered at the great amassing of apartment buildings, skyscrapers, taxpayer-financed stadiums — and yes, Lafeens apple fritters —and asked yourself: Isn’t this crushing weight going to at some point just break down the entire planet? 

Answer: YES, IT IS.

Sayeth the piece: The sinkage “is related to deep natural processes over long periods of time, such as responding to plate tectonic activity or to the retreating of the glaciers from the last Ice Age. Other sinking is linked to human activity, including extracting oil, water or minerals from underground. In cities, buildings can also add weight and push land down.

So Has Anyone Heard Hammer’s Warning Cries About This? NO, THEY HAVE NOT. Please discuss impending psychological impacts with Your Person on Zoom.

Speaking of Studies: Another one, conducted on (what else) mice, indicates that ultrasound pulses sent to their brains induced a hibernation-like state — an “intriguing hint at technology that could induce torpor in humans in the future.”

One Question: Haven’t most of us basically perfected that on weekends already?

Unpaying it Forward: No way B. Hammer could be paid enough to meet the fate of the poor bloke who obviously got this Succesion-finale-themed assignment from an editor at a large national publication: “Hey how about a piece on the incredible emotional strain associated with being the unfortunate child of a person so insanely rich you’ll never even have to think about working a day in your life, let alone break a sweat? A couple thousand words for the Wellness Section oughta do.”

The Hammer, a somewhat-less-studious alter ego of CDN’s executive editor and various other pointed-barb influencers, appears online on Fridays and in CDN’s print edition on the first Wednesday of each month;; @roncjudd.

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