If you live in the Pacific Northwest, congratulations! It is blackberry season and if you are like most people, despite the muttering and going all Swedish Chef with pruning shears, you likely have a few vines in the outer reaches of your backyard and now you will be rewarded for your lack of efforts.
If you have been recently inspired by a county fair and have decided a pie is in your future, the following are a few tips to help you enjoy the fruits of your futile labor.
Tip No. 1
Get some gloves. Blackberries are the honey badgers of the fruit world. Although technically they have seeds which, when dropped by passersby and wildlife, will propagate the plant, they really don’t need this step. Blackberries run rampant and they don’t need you — which is evident by the Maleficent-looking, raptor-like thorns.
To compensate, go to the garage and retrieve welding gloves. Yeah, you won’t be able to feel your fingers, but that is kind of the point. Count on dropping four out of every five blackberries your Frankenstein-like club-hand comes in contact with.
If you do drywall on the side, consider using the hopper you use to scoop the texture mix into before blowing it on the wall, placing this under the branch and shaking it with your paw so the ripe blackberries — in theory — fall into the funnel-like hopper.
However, if you choose this step, remember there are a sundry of non-edible items that could also fall in, including dead twigs and leaves, insects and even Jimmy Hoffa (according to “Blackberry: A Conspiracy Theory”). Be prepared to sift through and remove any unwanted items before enjoying your fruit.
Tip No. 2
After 10 minutes of fiddling with the branches and the hopper, give up on the gloves and hope that the calluses you have spent the summer building up will protect you from the blood-sucking thorns.
Dump blackberries from the hopper into a bucket. Note to self: Remove the texture chunks that have decided to join your quest in your bucket.
Remember that you need about six cups of fruit for a pie and you barely have about half a cup at this point. Carry on.
Tip No. 3
Remember that blackberry season arrives at the same time as spider season. Retrieve a big stick and run it around every area you are planning on picking from, keeping an eye out for shimmering webs and other telltale signs of a bloodsucker lurking about.
Tip No. 4
When you do unexpectedly encounter the world’s largest spider, which is now sitting on the back of your hand, try to throw the bucket of berries behind you for easy retrieval, not into the blackberry bushes in front of you.
Retrieve your bucket and as many berries as are salvageable. Note that you still have four cups of berries to gather and ignore the voice in your head that is encouraging you to forget the pie and instead consider milkshakes from Boomer’s Drive-In for dessert.
Tip No. 5
Acknowledge that the spiders are mocking you. When they shake their webs back and forth, they are chortling with glee over the paranoia you are now feeling. Eye them warily and try to ignore that sensation that they are crawling all over you. What’s that on your arm!? What’s that on your neck!? Just your imagination, my friend.
When a web brushes your forehead, don’t have berries in your hands when you frantically try to brush the web off. Accept the fact that your neighbors now think you may be having a medical emergency of some sort as they watch you throwing around a bucket of perfectly good berries, batting your hands around your face at nothing. There isn’t anything there. Really. Except for maybe the purple streaks that are now staining your face and hair, there is no sign of anything else. It is all in your head.
Ignore the chiding squawks of the blue jays enjoying the blackberries you have been dropping while dealing with your spider phobia.
Remember to send the neighbors a written note of apology once you get the feeling back in your hand as they have now retreated into the house. After all, you have donned welding gloves, are holding a big stick, whacking yourself in the face, violently throwing around a bucket with an ever-diminishing amount of berries and cursing. Perhaps they feared for their safety.
Tip No. 6
Apologize to the neighbors for the expletive that you shouted when a thorn decided to embed itself in your hand. You aren’t dying. You aren’t even bleeding. Or maybe you are and you just cannot tell because your hands are now dyed a lovely shade of permanent purple with golden pollen around the edges. It suddenly occurs to you that University of Washington colors were probably selected due to the gardeners giving up the blackberry vine battle on the football field in the first part of the last century and they selected colors that wouldn’t stain uniforms during home games.
In any case, the sudden piercing pain caused you to drop your bucket — again. At least this time you had the wherewithal to redirect it behind you, saving more berries this time around. Retrieve your bucket and note that you still need another cup-and-a-half of berries for your pie despite having been at this for 45 minutes.
Tip No. 7
Give up. Take your four-and-a-half cups of berries to the house. Decide to make up for your missing fruit with … something. A cut-up apple? Raisins? Leftover pot roast? Whatever you choose, encourage your family to appreciate the hard work you have endured for them, perhaps with the evil eye or extra chores for anyone who dares offer a critique. Enjoy!
Recipe: Northwest blackberry pie
—courtesy of Erik Burge
A fresh blackberry pie, courtesy of Erik Burge, sits sliced, ready to be eaten on Wednesday, Aug. 2. (Hailey Hoffman/Cascadia Daily News)
Ingredients
6 – 8 cups blackberries (blackberries tend to melt down, so adding extra never hurts)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
2/3 – 1 cup flour (less flour makes the pie juicier, and messier)
2/3 cup sugar, plus extra for top
Juice of half a lemon
1 egg (small)
6 pats butter (about 2 tablespoons)
Frozen pie crust, top and bottom
Thaw frozen pie crusts on kitchen counter for two or three hours prior to making pie. When crusts have thawed, preheat oven to 450 degrees, and place a baking pan with sides on the rack where you’ll be putting the pie.
Dump blackberries in a large bowl. Mix berries, vanilla extract, cinnamon, flour, lemon juice and sugar until flour is distributed evenly.
Get out large pie tin (2” x 9”). Place one crust on bottom of tin. Make sure it’s pressed into the edges. Whisk small egg and spread over inside of the crust evenly with a brush. Add berry mixture and distribute it evenly. It will look like a lot, but it will melt down when cooked.
Put five or six pats of butter on top of berry mix. Place top crust over berry mix. Trim excess crust with scissors if needed. Use a fork or your fingers to press crusts together. Make sure the crust is upturned and doesn’t have a sharp edge. You want a little barrier – a “lip” to hold it.
Using the tip of a fat butcher knife, make six or seven vent holes on the top of the crust. Distribute the rest of the whisked egg on top of the crust; it will result in a glossy sheen. Spread one spoonful of sugar on top of crust (about 1 tablespoon).
Bake on top of baking pan at 450 degrees for 30 minutes, then turn down heat to 400 degrees and cook for another 15 minutes. If crust is getting scorched, put aluminum foil on top for the last 15 minutes. Make sure filling is bubbling (can tell through holes). Remove from oven, let cool for approximately 20 minutes before serving.
