The Hammer

The Hammer, Special One-Year Anniversary Edition

Earth's core misbehaving; nothing to see here!
January 25, 2023 at 5:00 a.m.

Executive Editor

Don’t Be Alarmed, But: The Earth is presently spinning off its axis.

This Has to Be True Because: A new study about the Earth’s molten core prompted a “BREAKING NEWS” banner, in blood red, atop the website of The Washington Post the other day.

Democracy Dies in Molten Lava: Reading further, one learns that the axis is not really in question here, but many other core issues (see what we did there?) are highly in question in this new study. It examines how the planet’s molten Tootsie Roll Center apparently is “slowing down” rotation wise. This “… influences some of the most fundamental aspects of our planet, including the length of a day and fluctuations in Earth’s magnetic field.”

Then This from a Scientist: “It’s probably benign,” said John Vidale, a geophysicist at the University of Southern California, according to The Post. “But we don’t want to have things we don’t understand deep in the Earth.”

True Dat, Because: Understanding these molten proclivities will allow us to … maybe dig 3,000 miles down there and have some words with the core? Stop throwing Bic lighters into landfills? We're here to help.

Ultimately, the Story Concludes: “Don’t panic. The core’s slowing down isn’t the beginning of the end times. The same thing appears to have happened in the late 1960s and early 1970s, and the study authors at Peking University in China suggest it may represent a 70-year cycle of the core’s spin speeding up and slowing down.”

In Other Words: This cycle coincides perfectly with the launch of the television show, “Gilligan’s Island,” which very likely caused the atmospheric rift that set it all into motion. (Follow-up study forthcoming.)

Sorry, But Someone Has to Ask: Now that we know the new Coast Salish-style longhouse on Western’s campus will get a fancy $450,000, federally funded kitchen: Will “food sovereignty” meals prepared there be allowed to be cooked on a traditional open flame, or is it induction stovetop only?

The Hammer is swung on Wednesdays, or when the Earth's magnetic field suddenly reverses.

Have a news tip? Email or Call/Text 360-922-3092



Register for email newsletters

* indicates required

Latest Stories

Kraken lose for the second time in three games
Flames rebound with impressive 5-2 win over Seattle

Sehome hands Lynden first league loss during blowout victory
Grant Kepley, Grey Garrison combine for 42 points

Lynden uses 3 double-digit scorers to rout Sehome
Lions now in sole possession of third place in league

Temporary restraining order ties hands of newly elected Judge Rands
'Unprecedented' motion centers on transfer of 123 cases

BHS inducting 10 new members into Hall of Fame
2023 class includes athletes, coach, community contributor