The Hammer

The Hammer, Vol. LX

Happy libertine thoughts from inner Hippie Gulch
April 13, 2023 at 5:00 a.m.

Executive Editor

Attention All Pundits and Social Media Gasbags: Why do you find it so irresistible to point out the great numbers of right-leaning “pro-lifers” who you vehemently insist CANNOT “have it both ways” by supporting both abortion restrictions and unfettered access to guns? Save your breath: They’re not and never have been “pro-life.” They don’t even pretend. They’re anti-abortion. Is this somehow confusing? Revelatory? Mysterious? 

One More on That: Also please note that shaming of the shameless is an almost uniquely pointless exercise. See also: Entire recent U.S. political history.  

Measure Twice, Litigate Thrice: Sezhere that the new billion-dollar international terminal at SeaTac, which was supposed to fit 20 big-arse planes side by side, can only fit 16. Either pilots get quickly creative with angle parking or it’s going to be a banner few years for some Seattle law firm.  

Dept. of Huh: Full-page house ad in Brand Y chain newspaper with Bellingham outlet proclaims: “Whatcom County is our home, too.” Does this mean the HQ for hedge fund Chatham Asset Management is moving to Ferndale? 

Sure Seems Like: If true, we would have read that in the .... oh, never mind. 

And Dept. of Um: A damaging batch of documents leaked from the Pentagon appears to have been initially shared on the video game chat platform Discord in an effort to win an argument about the war in Ukraine, according to open-source intelligence analysts, The Guardian reported this week. We always knew gaming would be the downfall of civilization, but this was nobody’s imagined route to that destination. 

Attention Phone-Bank Operators: Is there any organization in the world whose annoying phone menu options have not recently changed? If you'd like a "never mind" reminder, enter 7 now.

Meanwhile Down in Emerald-Tent City: B. Hammer's former colleague Danny Westneat penned a thoughtful column about our city's new drug ordinance this week for The Seattle Times.  Alas, even he fell prey to the parachute-reporting faux pas of characterizing someone else’s city by pulling out a Lonely Planet travel guide description to set the tone. (Hint: Those are often stereotypes, at least a couple decades out of date even when true.) 

Accordingly: The ‘Ham, home of soaring housing costs and indefatigable gentrification, is described as “laid-back” with a “libertine” vibe, and had the honor of recently being picked as the “most hippie” town in the state. 

Seriously: The “laid-back” characterization is true outside city council meeting times, but for those of us with boots on the ground, it feels like the last official hippies turned out their lava lamps around here in about 1987. 

And No: We’re not saying that like it’s a good thing.  

The Hammer is swung on Wednesdays and drifts online on Thursdays. 

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