The Hammer

The Hammer, Vol. XXXIX

Drips, drops and lack thereof
October 12, 2022 at 5:00 a.m.

Executive Editor

Drip, Drip, Drip: We’re still waiting for the appointment to witness Ferndale’s mayor and communications director swill some fresh wastewater treatment plant effluent. Stay tuned. (We shall never forget.)

Oink: Sez here — well, said somewhere — that Americans on average consume 50 pounds of pork per year. Just seems like a lot. Unless you’re a regular at Jimmy John’s, in which case ... it's about the end of January.

Speaking of Orange Orbs: On Wednesday, our ace Living section editor/reporter, Amy Kepferle, impugned her entire beloved newsroom family in a piece about pumpkin spice, insinuating that most of us sit around all day sipping pumpkin cream cold brews — so often that the drink has its own in-house acronym: PCCB.

The Hammer is Here to Assure You That: She’s not wrong. 

Sad/True: We are pumpkin fueled, institutionally. Truth hurts. But only a little, and basically in a way that only a deep swig of that beautifully smooooooth pumpkineseque cold cream can cure.

Yes, We Know: It’s all fleeting, and they’ll pull it away from us at some point. Grief counselors will be standing by. 

Speaking of Grief: By this time next week, your ballot for the Nov. 8 general election will be in the mail. Unless your mail somehow gets diverted through FedEx in Burlington, in which case all bets are off.

Drop, Drop, Drop: Big debate at the county flood prep meeting last week about emergency-broadcast notifications for people in the way of potential floods. One critic, state Sen. Simon Sefzik, argued that the alarms might create a “boy who cried wolf” scenario, causing people to ignore them and sit there, vulnerable to floods. Sort of like … the way they would be without any warning at all? (Someone help us out here.)

Lack Thereof: Last week, we discussed in this space the definition of the new weather-forecasting term of art, “beneficial rain.” Suffice to say that any at this point would fit the bill. Is a scant half-inch really too much to ask?

The Hammer is swung on Wednesdays, or whenever the cup runs dry. 

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