The Hammer

The Hammer, Vol. XXXIII

A growing carbuncle on the 'Toe o' the Cascades'
August 31, 2022 at 5:00 a.m.

Jammin’ Away: That headline name, Toe o' the Cascades, is not a figment of B. Hammer’s fertile imagination. It’s an actual suggested name for the currently coined “Hundred Acre Wood,” the swath of formerly cul-de-sac-bound land turned community forest on the southeast outskirts of the Greater Fairhaven Metroplex.

Among the Other (Sadly Rejected) Monickers: Brodie City (“What we called it in the '70s and '80s,” said the suggester.) The Sanctuary. Fairhaven Forest. Community Forest (“Naming anything Fairhaven will be deemed racist in due time.”) Pike’s Wood. An Indigenous name. Money sucker. Big Waste Forest. The Happy Trails.

Given Those, You Can Sort of See: Why much of Our Fare City’s efforts on this project so far, at least in council committee meetings, has been whether the starting point for the naming discussion should be “Hundred Acre Wood” or “Hundred Acre Woods.” Your government in action, folks. Always on the edge of what matters. They are going to get back to us on the name — and the usage plan — soon. 

Honestly, Though: Does any sentence in a news story say “Bellingham government” as clearly as this one from a recent CDN update? “In an eight-page letter to the mayor and City Council, the five park district commissioners criticized a 6-foot-wide gravel trail …” That’s an 8:5:6 response:respondents:problem ratio, right on line with the city’s historical average.

Cleary Time for an Intervention: May we humbly suggest, in the name of global peace: “The 40.4686 Hectare Wood, International Peace Park and What's That Smell Reserve.” Or, given the large amounts of wetlands therein, the highly appropriate Big Boot Suck Community Forest.

Speaking of Names: Surely everyone else within earshot was relieved to see the Washington State Department of Fish, Wildlife and Big Honkin’ Pinchers employ a military-style assault on the ongoing, mostly invisible crustacean seafloor assault. The new combat unit is known as (and you can look this up) The European Green Crab Incident Command

Just for the Record: Said Command is, in fact, led by European Green Crab Incident Commander (Commandant?) Allen Pleus, and a reporter assures The Hammer that he is a real person. (Hammer to date not totally convinced; like, is it on his business card?) Someone in Olympia please advise. 

You’re Way Ahead of Us Here: Any rough skirmishes between the Command and the Crabs are likely to be referred to in this and other smart-aleck affiliated publications as “The European Green Crab Incident Command Incident.”

Just Wondering: We don’t suppose there’s even a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny chance that the green crabs might enjoy chowing down on biosludge?

And Finally, All Hope Not Lost: Some sharp-eyed readers have spotted another, much older, far shipwreckier shipwreck they are suggesting could be surreptitiously towed toward Inner Bham and beached in the place of that perfectly fine shipwreck that our friends from the Port of Bellingham rudely pulled from the waters of Whatcom Waterway a couple weeks back. Hammer is checking into it and finding out who has the keys to the Garth Foss tug. 

The Hammer is swung on Wednesdays and updated in true park-naming emergencies.

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