Since no one else has shown up at my office door this afternoon, asking to take my job, I, the Right Honorable Ron Judd, hereby claim a sweeping mandate to issue certain reasonable executive (editor’s) orders, which I expect to be followed by any/all Northwest Washington public officials — and of course all my subjects in the huddled masses of local citizenry.
Like, immediately. Don’t make me hold a flashlight under my chin.
This could get complicated, but we’ll start with the lowest conceivable hanging fruit: Local place names, many of which are either outdated or inappropriate.
I’m fine with the restoration of local places and things that are more justly known by their native titles. It’s a worthy trend that should not be derailed. But some latter-day Euro-additions clearly need to be reconsidered.
Let’s start with these:
Bellingham Bay, inexplicably and lamely still named after an Irish provisioner of the British Navy who wore truly awful wigs and never saw the Pacific, let alone our town, henceforth shall appear on maps as the Gulf of Death Cab for Cutie (or for bumper-sticker purposes, just Death Cab Bay). This should require no explanation whatsoever.
The good people of the greater Van Zandt metroplex, no doubt traumatized by lifelong relegation to being last on alphabetical town lists (coming one or two places ahead of Zillah is not much to hang one’s hat on), shall hereby be renamed Aardvark, for obvious reasons of restorative justice.
Chuckanut Drive, which has always taken up far too much space on road signs anyway, shall become the Hilary Swank Promenade. If you know, you know.
The Nooksack River, or what’s left of it after the ongoing water rights legal battle, heretofore shall be known as Shite Creek, which all of us likely will be, sans paddle, without some creative water-storage developments.
Bellingham’s State Street, on which we reside, should revert to its original, catchier name, Elk Street.
South Samish Way shall be renamed the Chris Comeau Memorial Non-Expressway, in honor of the former overpaid traffic emperor of Bellingham, who proudly deemed city gridlock achieved by a steady diet of road diets, to be evidence of civic progress — before slipping out of City Hall’s back door, presumably in a single-occupant vehicle, just ahead of the calamitous Holly Street restriping.
Marine Drive shall give way to Linville View Heights Boulevard, in honor of local resident and former mayor Kelli. (Note: If she expresses proper fealty for this she may be considered as a future Ambassador to Harrison Hot Springs.)
Speaking of B.C.: Although it is outside our territorial boundary, for the moment, the City of White Rock shall be more accurately known as Off-White Rock, or if it catches on and/or gets grittier, Taupe Rock.
Marietta? Sorry, now Melania. Read the room, people.
Glacier might as well cut to the chase and rebrand as Vaper. And Nugent’s Corner shall add “Ted,” increasing its chances of hosting a future state mental institution.
Laurel can keep its name provided it establishes a sister town, Hardy.
Bellingham’s urban scrubby-alder preserve, Hundred Acre Woods will become Juddred Acre Woods, establishing a northern branch of a rapidly expanding public park system launched with the earlier establishment of Judd Park in Duvall, King County, named after my community stalwart grandparents. (Sorry but there has to be something in this for me.)
The town of Sumas, ending its lifelong name-pronunciation complex, shall become SOO-Mass, its hyphenated name opening the door to a possible backsticks sister city relationship with Sedro-Woolley.
Speaking of which: Let’s be frank, Sedro needs a boost of sorts, so we’ll rewrite local maps to make it Sedro-Woolley Mammoth, inviting hordes of clueless Instagrammers who might visit to photograph plaster-casted faux bones of an ancient creature that surely passed through the Skagit between some of the Ice Ages. Thank me later, gift shops.
Reflecting its changing demographics and mood, the Happy Valley neighborhood shall henceforth be Ennui Gulch.
Bellingham’s “iconic” Acid Ball shall now be known as the Rob Fix Esophageal Acid Reflux Ball. Even though the waterfront orb was mostly a city achievement, consider this a broader honorific for a legacy of dubious waterfront land-use decisions made by the Port of Bellingham’s current Executive Director, Junior Legal Counsel, Dwindling-Aviation Czar and Marina Parking Attendant.
The Port’s nondescript Marine Shipping Terminal shall be renamed the Riley Sweeney Memorial Bunk Warehouse, in honor of the former ABC Recycling shill’s shameless attempted applications of industrial-strength lipstick to the visual civic pig that was the (iconic) Waterfront Scrap Heap.
In spite of its historical designation, the Herald Building should be rightfully known as Hedge Fund Square. (Imagine the gleaming nighttime H E D G E sign!)
Birch Bay Waterslides is now more accurately called Injurious Tort Fun Park.
Lynden shall be renamed “Ferndale,” Ferndale shall be renamed “Lynden” and Everson shall become “Acme.” Just to keep the postal service rural route driver awake on the road on early morning deliveries.
Bellingham’s waterfront “ASB Trail” shall become the Toxic Sludge Trail, sponsored by American Chain Link Fencing Co., as those in the know have already been calling it that for a decade.
Sehome Arboretum is now Undergraduate Reefer Hill. If you have to ask …
Bellingham’s unimaginatively named South Bay Trail becomes the Northwest Regional Himalayan Blackberry Preserve.
Mount Sefrit in the North Cascades should become Mount Charles Fisher. (And yes, Western Washington University board of trustees, the world continues to await some simple historical-amends action on this matter. Is it really that difficult? Even Chat GPT could write the resolution.)
Bellingham’s new solid waste plant, if and when it is ever built, should forever honor this column’s inspiration: The person God sent to save America. Be sure you tip your Uber driver when you get dropped off at the heron rookery trail adjacent to the Donald J. Trump Memorial Wastewater Treatment Facility and Presidential Museum.
That’s all. For now.
Ron Judd's column appears weekly; ronjudd@cascadiadaily.com; @roncjudd.
Guest writer: Whatcom County needs a new path to a modern index of public records