Oct. 29, 2024
Financial Horror Flick: Sezhere that the Pickford Film Center (for which Hammer, like many others, is eternally grateful) needs an additional million bucks or so “at minimum” to finish the work to open its new Pickford on Grand facility, after raising $1 million for the project last year. OK, but that seems like a pretty major oversight and underbudget, does it not?
Suggested Ideas to Raise the Cash: Film noir Bellingham Special Brownies bake sale. Nutritional Yeast-on-Popcorn Local Improvement District Excise Tax. Docvember. Doc-cember. Doc-uary. Never-Ending Cat Videos Marathon. Twin bill: Casino and Slumdog Millionaire. We’ve got more. You’re welcome.
Weather Update: Sort of hilarious to see the number of journos who scurried to cite the daylong closure of Interstate 5 through Bellingham on Sunday as yet another example of the horrors of climate change. It’s true that the 2 inches of rain falling overnight was not common (sorry, not sorry), but the real culprit here was something more uniquely Bellingham: A windblown chunk of carpet foam, which blocked a culvert atop the hill.
For the Love of God, People: Please as we move forward keep all of your foam secured.
Oct. 23, 2024
TP or Not TP: Since we are not into arousing mass hysteria we hate to even mention this, but: Costco ran out of toilet paper the other day.
Not Kidding: According to a source who was granted anonymity to keep from being doxed, boxed and loxed, this is true.
Here Is the Scoop As We Know It: At midday Wednesday the Bham Costco had zero “comfort tissue” as our source called it. Of any kind. None. Nothing. Grief counseling for the Charmin clean-butt-fixated bears. You get the pic.
Possible Causes: Pandemic nostalgia? Post Canadian Thanksgiving … um, outflow? Unjust panic over the big port strike? The mind reels.
Fortunately: Within a short time, a TP truck arrived, delivery was made, and mass panic was averted. Although what was a “mosh-pit scene” feeding frenzy over the treasured tissue ensued.
Good to Know, But Caution Flags Flying High: If this happens again, could the nation be subject to a traumatic election and, at the same time, a legitimate one-ply or even no-ply crisis? The horror.
Possible Short-Term Necessity: One Proof of Citizenship form for every 12-pack. Sorry, Canada, but when America has to go, you best stay in your own lane. (For your sake, and in the spirit of international goodwill and all that jazz, we hope it’s the Nexus as you head home.)
Loose Cow Update: Thank the gods that Mabel, the crafty, medium-slow-moving bovine on the lam for weeks finally got persuaded, possibly through a hostage negotiator successfully centering her needs to not get hit by a truck or bus, to give herself up. Can the 1/3 of us around the area who actually still have day jobs now please get back to work?
Next Week: Local animal welfarist creature apprehension squad talks rogue two-toed sloth down from a tree.
Battening the Hatches: The latest data from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration shows that the Pacific Northwest appears headed for a La Nina winter, meaning higher than average amounts of both precip and cold. This comes with the usual proviso: Or maybe not. Prepare accordingly.
Oct. 11, 2024
To get autumn off to a sketchy start, a selection of questions from B. Hammer’s (AOL-account) inbox:
Q: What is going on with Mabel the renegade Whatcom cow?
A: You really don’t want to know.
Q: Sure we do.
A: Don’t say you weren’t warned. According to a social media post late this week from Whatcom Humane Society, “our animal control team has been working closely with livestock veterinarians, farm sanctuary experts and community leaders to execute a plan to safely contain and transport Mabel to the WHS farm facility.”
Q: Wait: Farm sanctuary experts?
A: That is correct. But wait, there’s more: “Thanks to some very nice neighbors in the area, a feeding station has been set up for Mabel and she is visiting this station daily, spending several hours at a time at the site.” (Italics are Hammer’s.)
Q: So you’re saying they have a cow feeding at a trough for several hours, and yet they cannot apprehend the cow?
A: That appears to be correct.
Q: Seriously?
A: Well, yeah. But shoot, this ain’t some rodeo clown show. What you have on scene is a highly trained Multi-agency, Multi-Disciplinary Urban Bovine Intervention Squad. The idea is to avoid doing anything that might trigger the cow, such as … we hate to even put this in print … rope it or even loop something around its neck.
Which would be … inhumane.
Instead, a trained Cow Whisperer will speak calmly to the confused, possibly dangerous beast, allow it to center its feelings, come to terms with its own understandable but ultimately counterproductive actions, and eventually do the right thing and turn itself in.
Q: OK, now you’re joking.
A: Not really. Get this from the Humane Society: “This weekend, an enclosure will be constructed around the feeding station and our team will work tirelessly to try to contain Mabel, who remains very afraid of most people. WHAT WE NEED . . . if anyone has a small livestock trailer (not a horse trailer) we are hoping to stage the trailer near the area of the feeding station/enclosure and attach fencing to it to reduce stress and enhance safety when moving Mabel.”
Q: Um …
A: Yeah. Actually WHAT THEY NEED is someone from Everson or Sumas who knows how to rope, apprehend and move a cow, its deepest feelings notwithstanding. Anyone got a friend? Stay tuned. Thoughts and prayers. Etc.
Other pressing matters
Q: Moving on: Are you sure that given the year’s events and what seems like lax leadership at Whatcom County HQ, your newspaper shouldn’t rescind its prior electoral endorsement of County Executive Satpal Sidhu?
A: Look, the Hammer is focused on the future here. What kind of question is that anyway? Are you an enemy of the people, or just their hand tools? What voters would prefer to focus on is: Where can you get a good tuna melt on Railroad Avenue?
Q: Nice dodge, JD. But seriously.
A: Well, the thought has occurred. But nobody does that, so … no. Definitely, absolutely, probably not.
Q: With the successful paving of your favorite intersection, near the Interstate 5 Samish Way interchange, what remains for you to accomplish in your sorry little life?
A: Very little, actually. I mean, let’s be honest: I’m one successful Point Roberts-for-Tim Horton’s-franchise trade away from taking the rest of my life off.
Q: Do you really not know where to get a good tuna melt on Railroad?
A: I would point out the obvious one (at Avenue Bread) but then everyone would be ordering them online, causing Hammer to wait. Hammer has no patience for waiting. Nor anything else, come to think about it. Some things around here, you can count on.
The Hammer, posted monthly and updated somewhat regularly, is the alter-ego and collective consciousness of CDN’s executive editor and staff, informed and inspired by the feisty, humor-capable readers of Cascadia Daily News. Don’t take him too seriously. Send comments, complaints or ideas for Hammer items to ronjudd@cascadiadaily.com.
No country still uses an electoral college — except the US