Ten years ago, Rachel Sullivan was at home with her daughter when she received an unexpected text: “Mom, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think I’m a lesbian.”
Sullivan responded, “OK, I’m upstairs. Come have some ice cream.”
This confession didn’t change Sullivan’s love for her daughter — but it did make her reflect on LGBTQ+ youth who lack unconditional support. Stories of unaccepting families felt achingly close to home, especially considering young people who identify as queer are less likely to suffer depression symptoms with general parental support.
Sullivan felt immediately moved to give back, and connected with the Bellingham chapter of Free Mom Hugs. The group of moms has a simple mission: Give a hug to anyone who needs one, no questions asked.
“All we do is hug, and that’s it,” Sullivan said. “That’s the most basic, easy thing in the world to do.”
Organization background
The Bellingham chapter of Free Mom Hugs got its start at Whatcom Youth Pride in 2019. As of 2024, they’ve expanded their presence at events including WWU QueerCon and Squalicum High School’s Over The Rainbow Festival, both in April.
The Bellingham Free Mom Hugs is just one chapter of a national 501c-3 organization established in 2015 with chapters in all 50 states. Sullivan said the Bellingham chapter has 241 members in its Facebook group, with about 30 of them being “very consistent” at events, and member ages ranging from early 20s to “grandmas and grandpas.”
While groups such as PFLAG Whatcom County provide resources and education, Free Mom Hugs is about showing up and providing a brief, albeit poignant, moment of care. The group is apolitical and open to everyone (as long as they’re a “decent person,” Sullivan specified). Beyond just moms, siblings and dads have also been known to join.
Bellingham is largely supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but Whatcom County isn’t a utopia: Sullivan cited her children’s friends, some of whom were forced to couch surf, after coming out to their families. In Washington, 41% of queer youth seriously considered suicide in 2022, and 12% attempted to end their life, according to the Trevor Project’s 2022 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health.
And while a hug might seem insignificant in the face of such statistics, physical touch has proven, tangible health benefits. A single hug can decrease the impact of interpersonal conflict throughout the day and mediate fight-or-flight response, while regular physical affection can even boost immune system response and lessen physical pain.
Why moms join
Most members find Free Mom Hugs after a loved one — usually a child — comes out as queer. Free Mom Hugs also allows families to build solidarity around a shared experience. Linda Redmond joined in 2019 to find community with other parents of LGBTQ+ children.
“Sometimes there’s not any time to chat, because there’s too much hugging going on,” Redmond said with a laugh. “But sometimes it’s a little slower, and we can chat and get to know each other, and discuss who they have in their family that they’re supporting.”
Tricia Bravener also got involved with Free Mom Hugs in 2019, about a year after her son came out. He was apprehensive to do so because the Braveners’ church at the time was not affirming of the LGBTQ+ community — but Bravener said, “He came out in July, and we left that church by August.”
Whatcom County firefighter Brittany Nick’s brother was gay and struggled to come out of the closet. When he passed away, Nick was inspired to join Free Mom Hugs in 2019 and attend Pride events with her own two kids in his honor.
“My kids didn’t really know much about my brother as he died when they were quite young,” Nick said. “They knew that he was gay and our mother fiercely protected him and his friends. They eventually learned that being a part of any type of minority can be challenging.”
Nick’s experience with Free Mom Hugs made a difference when her own kids began navigating their sexuality and gender identities; she said they’re still in the process of discovering themselves, but no matter how they identify, their happiness is more important than any label.
Interactions at events
Whatcom Youth Pride and Pride in Bellingham are Free Mom Hugs’ biggest annual events, but as the group grows, Sullivan said they’re open to attending any event where their presence could be comforting. What’s more, there’s no age criteria for hugs — and while Sullivan initially assumed adults need the affection less than kids, she’s since learned “you really don’t know what anybody is going through.”
The moms hear about all kinds of parent/child dynamics: strained relationships, mothers who passed away, long-distance families and, perhaps most memorably, mothers who disowned their children. At every event she attends, at least one interaction moves Sullivan to tears.
“It’s usually just something like, ‘My mom passed away 17 years ago, and I missed this,’” She said. “Or the people that are just like, ‘I came out and I don’t have a mom anymore.’ And I’m like, ‘Oh, I’m proud of you for being here.’”
Many moms have a “routine” when offering hugs; for her part, Sullivan sends kids off with “love, positivity and one mom-ism.” Examples include: “How’s your room? Did you clean it? When’s the last time you vacuumed? Are you flossing regularly?”
Redmond passes on an affirmation to each person she hugs. This could be anything from “you’re amazing” to “I love your makeup” — anything to “have that extra interaction and just really focus for that one moment on that person.”
Nick noted everyone’s love language is different, and some people prefer fist bumps. But when hugs happen, she tries to follow the rule of the “Disney hug”: Don’t let go until the other person does.
“I remember the first time that I hugged somebody and I could feel their breath hitching, just to be hugged by a mom,” Bravener added.
But despite these moments, Nick said most interactions are celebratory, not solemn.
“My favorite thing is leaving these festivals with other people’s glitter all over us, other people’s tears, other people’s face paint, just as a reminder,” Brittany said. “I’m supposed to be some tough firefighter, but I’m just such a softy for all that.”
The ripple effect of acceptance
The parents of Bellingham Free Mom Hugs might only gather in an official capacity a few times per year, but for many moms, the organization’s ethos carries over into everyday life.
Thanks to her own son’s experience and participation with Free Mom Hugs, Bravener learned she “needed to be more open about my affirmingness and acceptance of LGBTQ people because I hadn’t been open about that.” This has allowed Bravener to better support people in her own circle — and her hugs certainly aren’t limited to Pride events.
“I have a friend who is nonbinary, and their parents are not affirming,” Bravener said. “They messaged me through Facebook and they said, ‘Are you free to come give me a hug?’ I said, ‘Yes — yes, I’ll be there.’”
For her part, Nick is able to model inclusivity and support other parents as they come to terms with their children’s identities. At the end of the day, she wants her own children to “love and feel loved” — and if she can model healthy relationships and acceptance now, she hopes it will carry them into adulthood.
“I hope they can be courageous enough to stand up for people who may not have the love and support they have,” Nick said. “I hope they can educate people on love and supporting others, even if they don’t understand things.”
Cocoa Laney is CDN’s lifestyle editor; reach her at cocoalaney@cascadiadaily.com; 360-922-3090 ext. 128.
